I Couldn't Sleep

Well surprise, surprise, I lay there listening to the sound of my heart beating through my chest as if it would explode. Often I think to myself late at night as I collect my thoughts for the day, wow, I just wrote a novel in my head, but then by morning the thoughts are never quite as succinct? So here I am at 2am gathering my thoughts, the thoughts of a daughter who in part is dying alongside her father as she watches him rapidly decline his world of horror.

I've often thought what it must be like to have terminal cancer? I mean it's not like you come out and ask someone this question right? I've never asked Daddy what it actually feels like waiting to die, waiting for the cancer to totally consume him to the point that he won't be able to even take a sip of water or breathe? And never would I have thought I would ever have prayed so hard for the higher being to take action and put an end to his suffering. And thru it all, never once has he ever complained or asked why, he is truly the bravest man I know and is just so accepting of whatever happens next. He has shown courage beyond human and even in his darkest hour, only worried about everyone else and not wanting to be a burden on anyone.

I look at photos of Daddy just 7 short years ago as he walked me down the isle, so full of colour and life and I wonder whether he indeed had cancer then? I look at our faces and how happy we all were. We didn't know to be scared. We had no clue what lay ahead. Daddy was a typical male, having had symptoms of food getting stuck in his throat for way too long before seeing a Doctor about it, thinking it would all go away. What may have been had he done something sooner? Little consolation though now......... I look at myself on my wedding day and feel like reaching out to hug myself, being totally unaware of the horror that would unfold in the years ahead. How sweetly naive to the world I was. Being pregnant virtually straight away and giving birth to my darling son who went on to be diagnosed with autism, was I thought at the time, more than I could ever cope with, little did I know, what other horrors lay beyond. Thinking again back to my wedding day, had I known then what I know now, I would have said for sure, that there would be no way I would ever deal with those things, but you know, it's truly amazing just what the human spirit can endure, especially without choice.

With my son I've witnessed things no mother should ever have to experience and now with Daddy, I've seen things no daughter should ever have to see, but that's life right? And what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, right? Or so they keep saying. I'm just not sure what the horrendous suffering Daddy is going through is actually doing, by that I mean, what's to be learned and why does it have to keep dragging on? Why could he not have been diagnosed with cancer and died soon after? What's to be gained from a slow, painful death? I've witnessed the body and the life sucked out of my dear Daddy to the point of mere skin and bones. A six foot man weighing in at around 50 kilos is not pretty and then my poor mother who has had to give him bed baths when he could no longer stand and witness the emaciated body of her life long partner of 50 years, how can this be human? Who is allowing this? Yes, I get very angry and want answers. 

As if that's not enough with all the horrendous side effects of not being able to eat, when the cancer has taken what it can of Daddy's weight, it starts on his vital organs and brain. Sitting with Daddy tonight and looking into those big blue eyes, the ones that have provided me with a life of plenty and not seeing a response, desperately searching but not finding that jovial character that once was, is simply too much to bear, it really is, it's hell on Earth. All the dignity is gone and Daddy was such a proud man. Why people have to stay alive when there is nothing left I will never know. All Daddy has to live for now is a concoction of drugs each day, the ones that will fit down his neck and the hope for comfort, pain relief and that he may remember the faces of his loving family by morning. He had thought there were pigeons in his room tonight and I had to try to make a joke about the bloody staff, letting birds in the room, fair dinkum? Whilst trying to fight back the tears. I held his bony hand so tight, knowing there'd not be many more opportunities, but not wanting to see the suffering anymore if you can possibly understand? This morning Daddy had thought he was going to work and was demanding his clothes he had thought he had set out from mum, asking where they were? Of course there were none. He would have gotten out of bed thinking he could and collapsed, thinking it was last year if mum had not been there, that's the tumor of course. It's so painful to watch. Then he'd come back too and joke with the nurse to start up the chain saw and put an end to his misery. That was classic Daddy. And when I was filling out the paperwork with the nurse, I remember mentioning that Daddy had never been sick but a day in his life before the cancer and remember him saying as he opened his eyes that he was sure making up for it now. That's my Daddy, the jovial one I'll remember. And yes, there are many, many good times and memories, but they are for later. For right now, the tears are streaming down my face, but I must be strong for the people who need me to be, I know. As I remember the man I've idolised my entire life, I pray that he'll soon be relieved of his suffering. This is our nightmare, only this time, we cannot turn off but are forced to keep watching.

Please know that every single word of support that's been left for me here, by post, email, phone, in person or facebook has been of tremendous help at this most torturous time and every second you have spent has been so very worth it. I will never forget. I think taking the time to show someone you care is the most beautiful thing one can ever do. I know I feel great when I do. I truly hope that whatever our futures may hold that I too can be here for you to show my support and make the journey a little easier, that's what we are here for, right? To support each other and show each other the way? Anything to cushion the blow of life.

So friends, here's to brighter days ahead for us all. Daddy, you are destined for great and better things in the skies above, I promise you this. Till we meet again, thanks for listening, Tiff xx.

Amazing

And when you smile,

The whole world stops and stares for a while,

Because you're amazing,

Just the way you are..........